29^th March, 2019

Members Sworn

Mx. Speaker (Jo Bercow) (Buckingham)

As Speaker of the House of Commons, I now declare this house officially open!

Members of Parliament are required to take an oath or solemn affirmation of allegiance.

Oath of allegiance: I, (name), swear by Almighty God that I will be faithful and bear true allegiance to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth, her heirs and successors, according to law. So help me God.

Solemn affirmation: I, (name), do solemnly, sincerely and truly declare and affirm that I will be faithful and bear true allegiance to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth, her heirs and successors, according to law.

Members of Parliament are permitted to, in addition to the standard oath or affirmation, recite a Welsh, Scots Gaelic, Irish, Scots, Ulster Scots, or Cornish translation. They may also preface the oath with some kind of statement - for example, “As a dedicated republican, under protest…”

The Prime Minister (Nicky Clack) (S. England) (LD)

I, Nicholas Clack, do solemnly, sincerely and truly declare and affirm that I will be faithful and bear true allegiance to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth, her heirs and successors, according to law.

Asratius (Glasgow) (Lab)

I, Asratius, do solemnly, sincerely and truly declare and affirm that I will be faithful and bear true allegiance to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth, her heirs and successors, according to law.

Marcail Connolly // goddamnit do i have to

Jo Bercow // …yeah

Alan Proximexo (N. England) (LD)

I, Alan Proximexo, do solemnly, sincerely and truly declare and affirm that I will be faithful and bear true allegiance to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth, her heirs and successors, according to law.

Emma Swinson // just use the solemn affirmation if you object to the oath

Nicky Clack // That’s what the “as a dedicated republican, under protest…” is for

Emma Swinson (Rhondda) (LD)

I, Emma Swinson, swear by Almighty God that I will be faithful and bear true allegiance to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth, her heirs and successors, according to law. So help me God.

Marcail Connolly // i literally have to talk to the journal office to get an official ulster scots translation, goddamnit

Donkie (Gravesham) (Lab)

I, Donkie, swear by Almighty God that I will be faithful and bear true allegiance to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth, her heirs and successors, according to law. So help me God.

Arfamis (Midlands) (Lab)

I, Arfamis, do solemnly, sincerely and truly declare and affirm that I will be faithful and bear true allegiance to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth, her heirs and successors, according to law.

Marcail Connolly (N. Ireland) (NAP)

Ahem. Despite republican leanings, disagreement with the foundation of this union, and irritation with the domination of the English on our parliamentary tradition, A, Marcail Connolly, div solemnly, aefauldly, an truelins declare an threap, that A will be leal an gie true allegiance til Her Grace Queen Leezabeth, an her heirs whitsaever, conform tae law.

Marcail Connolly // marcail canonically fakes an english-esque accent, and intentionally has dropped it for the oath

Bonnie Carmichael-Chow (Scotland)

I, Bonnie Carmichael-Chow, do solemnly, sincerely and truly declare and affirm that I will be faithful and bear true allegiance to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth, her heirs and successors, according to law.

Huw Cholmondeley (Monmouthshire) (Lab)

I, Huw Cholmondeley, do solemnly, sincerely and truly declare and affirm that I will be faithful and bear true allegiance to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth, her heirs and successors, according to law.

John Major (Plymouth Sutton & Devonport) (Con)

I, John Major, do solemnly, sincerely and truly declare and affirm that I will be faithful and bear true allegiance to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth, her heirs and successors, according to law.

Raoul Janeigem (London) (Crep)

As obligated by the putrid, archaic, monarchical traditions of this capitalistic assembly, I, Raoul Janeigem, do solemnly, sincerely and truly declare and affirm that I will be faithful and bear true allegiance to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth, her heirs and successors, according to law.

Mx. Speaker

Oh, right, I have to take the oath too!

I, Jo Bercow, do solemnly, sincerely and truly declare and affirm that I will be faithful and bear true allegiance to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth, her heirs and successors, according to law.

The Prime Minister

Is it time to drag you down the hall, now?

[The Speaker is dragged down the hall]

Excellent.

Chairman Miaow (Dunny-on-the-Wold) (Looney)

What's up gamers, it's ya boi, I, Chairman Miaow, do solemnly, sincerely and truly declare and affirm that I will be faithful and bear true allegiance to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth, her heirs and successors, according to law.

Hoobi Ultimus Sr (Bermondsey & Old Southwark) (Lab)

I, Hoobius Shroogius Ultimus, swear by Almighty God that I will be faithful and bear true allegiance to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth, her heirs and successors, according to law. So help me God.

Maisie Kelly (Glasgow Central) (NAP)

Despite republican ardour and myriad misgivings, in order to serve my constituents, I, Maisie Kelly, do solemnly, sincerely and truly declare and affirm that I will be faithful and bear true allegiance to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth, her heirs and successors, according to law.

Caroline Grips (Lab)

I, Caroline Grips, do solemnly sincerely and truly declare and affirm that I will be faithful and bear true allegience to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth, her heirs and successors, according to law.

Eugen Thomas (Con)

I, Eugen, do solemnly sincerely and truly declare and affirm that I will be faithful and bear true allegience to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth, her heirs and successors, according to law.

Alwyn Flang (Wales) (NAP)

Yr wyf i, Alwyn Flang, yn tyngu llw gan Dduw Hollalluog y byddaf yn ffyddlon ac yn cario gwir deyrngarwch i'w Mawrhydi y Frenhines Elizabeth, ei etifeddion a'i holynwyr, yn ôl y gyfraith. Felly helpwch fi i Dduw.

Mx. Speaker

[The members of the House are notified of the seating arrangement for parties in the chamber.]

Chairman Miaow // Seating me behind John Major may have been a bad idea

Raoul Janeigem // haha you should spit on him

Nicky Clack // I was imagining bunny ears

Asratius // Make sure to spit over Eugen, Comrade Raoul :p

Raoul Janeigem // but of course

Chairman Miaow // I was just going to eat popcorn loudly and occasionally ping it at his head

Raoul Janeigem // haha nice

Asratius // Content about my current seat, have Mrs Swinson by my side

Raoul Janeigem // same, I’m next to krall which is pretty nice

Conversion Therapy Bill

Mx. Speaker

Some Members of Parliament are yet to swear in, but for the purposes of getting on with things, I’ll be introducing the first bill of this term:

Please remember that this is the second reading! This means that what we are debating tonight is not the final text of the bill, but rather, the general conceit — if it's in the long title, it's up for debate. Any nitpicking about exact words can be resolved in the third reading.

The Prime Minister

I agree with the general concept.

Chairman Miaow

Agree with the general concept, though numerous amendments are needed.

Raoul Janeigem

I think it’s more than a bit worrying that Northern Ireland is excluded.

John Major // idk what to say

Emma Swinson // um… where is the long title?

John Major // uhhhh

Jo Bercow // it’s the bit in italics

Jo Bercow // under the short title

Chairman Miaow // “A bill to ban the inhumane practice of conversion therapy”

Emma Swinson // oh ok. i’m dumb

Jo Bercow // nitpickery can be made! just don’t base your vote off of it

Chairman Miaow // You’re good, legislation’s just confusing

Chairman Miaow // Oh, nitpickery’s good? Excellent.

John Major

The passage of this act is crucial for protecting LGBT rights.

The Prime Minister

It is worrying that Northern Ireland is excluded, but this can no doubt be amended.

Emma Swinson // i know how to navigate legislation, just brazilian legislation, not UK’s lol

Jo Bercow // and of course, make sure to hear hear loudly :P

Chairman Miaow // Fair.

John Major

I expect the government to pass this bill, with any needed amendments, as soon as possible, to prevent the inhumane treatment of LGBT people.

The Prime Minister

My right and honourable friend the member from Hemel Hempstead has not realized that this bill leaves out Northern Ireland in its scope. Does he expect all of the conversion therapy establishes to set up shop there?

John Major

Before the bill should be extended to Northern Ireland, we should bring NI up to the same LGBT standards when it comes to LGBT marriage.

Chairman Miaow

It seems ridiculous to me that the member for Hemel Hempstead cites bringing Northern Ireland up-to-date on LGBT issues legally precisely as a reasoning for not doing so.

Can the member for Hemel Hempstead tell me why they do not think that this essential protection should not be extended to Northern Ireland at this time?

Raoul Janeigem

I see no reason that Northern Ireland’s stagnation on LGBT issues is a reason to not try and protect LGBT people in Northern Ireland.

John Major

I think it is important, before this bill is extended to Northern Ireland, it is important for gay marriage to be legalised. If the Northern Ireland Assembly wishes to extend this to Northern Ireland, then they can do as they wish.

The Prime Minister

I think it is important that all of the United Kingdom hold the same rights and privileges, and there is no reason to hold back any of them.

For any reason.

Chairman Miaow

Why does the member for Hemel Hempstead believe the extension of gay marriage is a prerequisite for the prohibition of torturing gay people?

Raoul Janeigem

Why does the member for Hemel Hempstead think it is important that one protection against LGBT discrimination cannot be enacted without another unrelated one?

John Major

If gay marriage is legalised, then homosexuality will be normalised in Northern Ireland, leading to an easier implementation of this act.

Raoul Janeigem

The difficulty in implementing this act should not be a reason for it not being enacted in Northern Ireland at all.

Chairman Miaow

Surely if this act is extended over Northern Ireland then it will help normalise homosexuality, allowing for the easier implementation of same-sex marriage in the region.

John Major

I maintain the fact that this bill should be passed to affect NI after the legalisation of gay marriage in Northern Ireland.

Raoul Janeigem

I would like to point out that is by no means a fact.

Chairman Miaow

Mx. Speaker, members of the house, I came into this chamber today expecting to be the most ridiculous person here. I did legally change my name to “Chairman Miaow” after all. However the Right Honourable Member for Hemel Hempstead seems to have one-upped me today by bringing arguments into this debate that he refuses to explain or justify.

John Major

I point out to my right hon. friend that I have justified my arguments, it will aid in the normalisation of LGBT rights to legalise gay marriage first, and then pass this law next.

The Prime Minister

And why should it not the other way around?

Chairman Miaow

It strikes me that if the member for Hemel Hempstead wishes to extend same-sex marriage to Northern Ireland first, then he should have submitted a bill to that effect!

Chairman Miaow // I think technically there’s already a bill to that effect stuck somewhere in the legislative process IRL.

Jo Bercow // i don’t think northern ireland being in a state of limbo is helping with that

Mx. Speaker

There are 40 minutes left until the division bell rings. Does anyone have any other comments?

Chairman Miaow

Oh, well, the definition of “conversion therapy” should be written up as a section, the 5-year sentence limit for a summary conviction is a lot since that means it can’t generally be dealt with by a magistrate who can only pass sentences of up to 6 months, I’d advise generalising the definition to include any sexuality or lack thereof so it covers all possible bases, and I’m concerned about the provision against “advocating” for conversion therapy - since whilst someone saying “conversion therapy is good” makes them an unutterable fucknugget, I don’t think it should necessarily make them a criminal.

Mx. Speaker

Order, order! Please refrain from using foul language in the chamber.

Chairman Miaow

Apologies, Mx. Speaker — I revise my statement to “unutterable fudgenugget”.

Mx. Speaker

Good.

Motion to Hold Another Referendum On Withdrawal from the European Union

Mx. Speaker

Oh dear, I think I might’ve fallen asleep on the chair!

Chairman Miaow

When will voting close, Mx. Speaker?

Jo Bercow // 24 hours!

Jo Bercow // just pretend i said something more reasonable in-universe

Mmm, that is a very reasonable in-universe answer, thank you.

Mx. Speaker

Thank you! We certainly are in a universe.

[Before I go to sleep,] I’ll just try to squeeze in one last debate:

The Prime Minister

Do note that the NAP proposal to hold a separate referendum in each constituent country was shot down by Donald Tusk.

Raoul Janeigem

The government’s refusal so far to recognize the change in many people’s opinion of Brexit and hold a second referendum is born out of a blatant disregard for any democratic government’s duty to respect the will of the people.

Chairman Miaow

I assume the government is proposing this motion addressed to itself in order to gauge the House’s approval for such a venture?

The Prime Minister

Yes.

Marcail Connolly

I voted to pass the bill assuming that the exclusion of Northern Ireland was a mere oversight, but discussion has proven to me that it’s not ignorance but almost malice that has led Northern Ireland to be left out of the bill. Do the queer people of Northern Ireland not matter to the representative of Hempstead? Why should Parliament yet again try to abandon one of their constituent countries?

And, in reference to the Brexit motion, it is deeply sorrowing that the EU itself is now clinging to the idea that “Brexit means Brexit.” However, we will back the Prime Minister’s motion, despite our demand for referenda. However, in the event of a second exit, the countries who voted to Remain once more should be provided with an independence referendum (or a unification referendum, in the case of Northern Ireland.) This would, in the NAP’s eyes, adequately “take all four constituent countries’ wishes into account.”

I suppose the reverse should also be true; in the event of the nation remaining, countries that voted to leave should also be provided with an independence referendum.

Marcail Connolly // sorry for being late! i was sleeping when all of this happened. curse my terrible sleep schedule